The Mother of all Holidays

So....here we are. My sibs and I, about to experience the first holiday as true adults. As orphaned adults, that is...which is what I feel like tonight, after having spent the better part of two days unpacking my 'Mom and Dad house stuff'' plastic tubs and realizing over and over again, that both of my parents have passed on, crossed over, hit the penthouse, moved into a higher level of being....ok...I need to say it. They have died.

Ummmm....they're in a big sixties lounge in the sky.

See? Can't quite say it yet.

Anyway........

And I have to admit, when I cut away the bubble wrap on some of the stuff, I'm thinking...WTF? Because I packed up three of the tubs in August, when mom had been gone less than a month and I was a huge bundle of raw grieving nerves and had become a mom memory hoarder and every post it note / envelope / cocktail stirrer had meaning.

So I have some things here that - if she were here - my mom would be telling me to "Dump already!"

I so get the TLC hoarders right now.

Holiday stuff to come....

My Mom

Ohh.....my friends.

I have been gone from life, from blogging, from work, for two weeks, because I have been with my mom and my family.

My mom suffered a heart attack and then some more attacks, and then - surrounded by family, she died on June 27. I could use the euphemism, passed away - which I have used lately, but really - it's ok to say that she died. And well, actually, she was with only my brother at the moment of her passing death, because we had to clear the room and leave just my brother with her to let her know that it was ok to go, because when the five of us (my siblings) and our spouses (making the ten of us) and my aunt and uncle (her only surviving sibling out of five - oh, the symmetry :)) making the twelve of us - well, when we were all in the room, she wouldn't go.

Because my mom loved a party. And gossip. And chat. She loved to be in the know and with it and frankly, she always wanted to be cool. In fact, we buried her with the new open-toe sandals she'd purchased just a month ago, the better to show off her hot pink pedicure in the afterlife.

And yes, I do have to pause to sob a bit as this is typed, even as I sound flippant. The best offense against crippling grief is a good humorous defense, right?

As I write this and most of my posts over the next few days / weeks, I hope you come to know my mom. Because she was ahead of her time AND because she was an English teacher who even now, is probably hating that I just started some sentences with 'because' and 'and.' And yet, she would be so proud that I have a blog and I'm writing. :)

She was in pain and had suffered heart damage that was unrecoverable, yet - she didn't want to leave, because we were chatting about our memories and she clearly was trying to hear us. So my brother took the hit for the family team and stayed to hold her hand and let her know that she could leave us for that great classroom in the beyond.

I have to say - I never really knew that grief could leave a physical hole in the center of one's self. I miss my dad......but the fact that I can never again call my mom and ask her about the potato salad recipe or the correct way to write a thank you note for a hideous gift, or the proper response to a daughter when she has an issue with a mean girlfriend at age 30 when really, we all thought that the mean girls club ended after 8th grade....I am wrecked with the physical and mental grief.

But my siblings and I - the legacy she left us - among many other gifts - was the ability to be tough. And we pinky swore to stick together, and today is day 7 of the pinkyswear.

So that's good.

Apparently, you CAN go home again....

....but only after 30 years. Well, ok, I've only been gone for 7 years, and I've been back back a lot; however, I always spend my visits with family, and rarely get the opportunity to see old friends.

This weekend was graduation partypalooza, with two nephew parties to attend. Added to that was a fundraiser / mini-reunion with about 50 high school classmates...yeah, my voice was left out of my carryon! Actually, there were about 25-30 former classmates with assorted spouses/friends/partners added on.... We were remembering a friend who passed away in November - he was my date for our Homecoming dance :-/ - and raising some funds for his wife and kids.

I had almost a visceral reaction as the plane landed - I was worried about family issues at the graduations and worried about not measuring up, somehow, at the reunion...

But it was good!

We are all a bit wrinkly, with various amounts of pounds, hair and baggage...but it was great to see everyone - no old crap brought up, just memories. No talk about careers, no trying to outdo each other, no judgment....just food and adult beverages and laughter.

Mom.....Mom is another story. For another post. For what I think will be a lot of posts, as we move into a world of making lifestyle adjustments to preserve her independence, but make sure that she's safe and cared for....sigh.

Life transitions. Maybe I'll change my blog title. But - I'll be swimming into a lot of unknowns soon and trying to find purchase on a a sandbar where the tides of life will be shifting.

Happy Day

...to everyone who is a mom, who has a mom, who has been a mom in a previous life, who wants to be a mom, who hates being a mom but still does it well, who wishes their mom was alive this day, who struggles with mom (hang in there) and especially to all of those women - and men - who do the mom job so well, whether or not they have the official title.

You Rock!