"" Lulu's Sandbar: Sad Tears, Happy Tears and PHLEGM
Welcome to my sand bar - trying to push past my boundaries and serve up humorous observations on life...

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Sad Tears, Happy Tears and PHLEGM


I'm back! I had to fly Mom home, and then turned around and jumped on another plane to travel for Monday/Tuesday, had a work dinner last night and I'm FINALLY back!

I'm bezhausted, but I'm here.

So. The post below has been sitting in my draft file since last Saturday. I couldn't finish it originally because I was crying so hard that my contacts got all cloudy and my nose was running onto the keyboard and I hate phlegm. In fact, I hate the word phlegm. PHlegm. Flemm. Flemmmm. Ick. Even the word sounds icky. Yikes, when people hawk up something from their lungs that sounds like it's been there for 20 years....wait, wait. Wrong post. Anyway. Lulu digressing again, to keep from crying.

I don't usually write posts this long, but even after letting this one sit for a while, I still want to put it out there. You'll see why....

So I just got back from flying Mom home after her week with us, and I'm feeling pretty blue. At this point, I never know if she'll make it back another time, and I hate those goodbyes. We had a very nice week, even though she still has that momadar - you know, that radar that makes her ears quiver, I swear! - when she knows that I'm trying to hide something from her. So every time I tried to slip away and blog, she would come upstairs to see what I was doing and hello! - she still reads just fine. So I had to shut down for a bit. I didn't want her to think that I was writing about her, c'mon. ILMMIKS86GOMB.

And after a day or two - I just focused on her and our time together anyway. It was interesting to see how my world slowed down a bit as I postponed blogging and crafting and watching reality TV for a week, just to be with her. And it was good for both of us. We mostly hung out at home, just talking....I was even finding old pictures for her to view, hoping that the pictures and places would tease out stories, even if I've heard them before. Several times. :) But you know, I'll be even more sad when I can't hear her voice anymore....

We shopped, had mani-pedis, did lunch, had dinner with some old friends, shopped, hung out, and shopped. And we did make her watch AGT, although 'make' would be a strong word. It's not like I tied her to the couch or anything - she's tiny enough to slip the ropes :), but she got right into the spirit of it anyway.

I think she finally relaxed by the end of the week. Which is why I hate thinking of her alone again at home.

She was a bit nervous when she got here, and it irritated me at first - she steps aside for everyone as we walk through the airport or the mall, she apologizes for everything, even when there is nothing that she's done to warrant blame. She's always been so feisty and tough - most people would describe her as a firecracker, full of energy. I hate to see her subvert that part of her personality.

The problem is that there are people in her life, that want her to damp down her personality, to make her be quiet, to stop working and stop trying to please people, to stop trying to take care of everyone. People that seem to take pleasure in being mean to her, deliberately mean, just because they can, because she's more vulnerable now as it's harder for her to hear, and maybe she repeats herself more often than they would like. She can't really fight back against their harsh words, because she thinks if she were just different or better, maybe they wouldn't be mad at her.

And I know that no one's perfect - my mom would not describe herself as the perfect June Cleaver mom by any means. If she'd been born in a different place and time, she might have pursued different challenges in life - I could definitely see her as a CEO! But she was - and still defines herself as a teacher, even at her age, and that's important to her. She's done the best she can to be a mom, a wife, a teacher, a sibling, a friend, based on her experiences and talent and strengths and with how she was raised - just like everyone else in life!

I watch her, watching me talk, or watching the manicurist or the salesperson or the TSA at the airport - and every day, she's trying to reassimilate into a world that's increasingly bewildering and harder to comprehend, and she's doing a pretty damn good job.

But as I write this, the tears are flowing because I can't keep her safe from those who will hurt her, as of course! - those hurtful words aren't said in front of me, and she doesn't want me to take them on because it will make matters worse.

Here's my warning to them, not that they'll find me here, but still.

Step back from the Mom. Hear me? Let me repeat myself. Just step away, leave her alone and nobody gets hurt. If I hear of one more word, one more exasperated sigh, one more mean-spirited comment - I will cut loose on you. You will be very very sorry. I know things about you, things that you do not want to get out. You will regret it.

OK. Got it out. Thanks for listening.

Now on to the happy tears - my niece delivered the twins....and they ARRRRREEEE.....boys. Yup, two good-sized boys. So no one was baby psychic except W, who said that each one would be a baby. YAYYYYYYYYY!!! Happy Dance, OTT, Woo HOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Hey. Did I mention that I'm back?


Anonymous said...

Oooh, I love babies!!

Congratulations to your family on the addition of two wonderful baby boys!!

I checked out the post you linked to, about not knowing the gender, and the comments were hilarious!

Great blog, Lulu! I'll be back for more!

diane said...

Those last years that I spent with my mother were just as you described. Except for one minor detail, she was hell on wheels. But at the end, when I saw the scared look in her eyes, and I knew our good-bye would be the last one, it just about killed me. I think about her every day. And as much as I miss her voice, I miss how she listened. She really was the only person who loved me unconditionally.
Crap, now I'm crying too. xo

Insanity Kim said...


AmyK said...

Congrats on your boys. Having raised 3 daughters, I had no idea what to do with boys, until I became a Nana to 2 of them. They open a whole new world of "business" to me.

My Mom passed away 3 yrs ago this Sept. She suffered from Fibromyalia for nearly 30 years. The pain that causes made her very unsteady most of that time and very frail the last few years. All of those years were divided between "good days and bad days". She moved slow because she was fortunate to be moving at all. Some people did not consider that she did not choose this burden and the lack of decency amazed me. I hope that Karma does come around.

My heart goes out to you. I slept with a phone by my pillow for so many years, I can't turn it off now. I keep thinking she may still need me. Every moment matters and every call is important. A big sisterly hug to you.

Amber Dawn said...

Practicing my OTT's in case I need to help you kungfukick someone upside da head. Im there! It sounds like you had a really nice visit with your Mommy and I'm so happy to know you cherish such things. HUGS! And Congrats Auntie LU of two!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh Lulu, I am so sorry your Mom is having trouble. I'll be your wingman if you have to kick anyone's ass! Just say the word.

"Momadar" I love that word and it sounds like you have a very cool Mom. It's great you could have time together one-on-one. My mom lives far away and I can appreciate how precious your time is together.

CONGRATS on the twins!!!!

Hang in there and WELCOME BACK!

The Flying Pinto said...

Thanks for sharing, your mom sounds beautiful, glad you had a great week with her.

I don't understand people who speak to older people as if they will never be there themselves and as if it couldn't be their loved one! I always try to remember this is somebodies, mother, father, brother, sister...we're all the same!

Congrats on the twin boys: )

Anonymous said...

I live in Washington don't know where your mom lives but I'll join your butt kicking team if ya need me.
P.S. My mom died when I was 7, still miss her.