Vacation is OOOooover.....

Whine.  Whine.  winewine.  Whine.

Vacation roadtrip is over, I've said tearful goodbyes to MFT, and it's back to work tomorrow.

Big, fat heavy siiiiigggghhhhhh.  Woe is me, poor me, waa waaa waaaaa - HAVING to go back to work, when many many people would be happy to have a job to whine about in a blog post.

But it just feels like the last night of Christmas break.  Not the last night of summer vacation, because I was always ready to go to school in the fall (new clothes, new boyfriend, football season etc) but the night before Christmas break is over always had the most awful icky feeling.

However - the day is sunny, I'm with my honey, and my blog friends are funny.  Also, we have a baseball game to attend (yum, hot dogs and beer) and I think I hear the ice cream truck outside!

PS.  I know that I promised lots of blog posts and pictures of MFT and I, but I find that I'm reluctant to put it all out there for public viewing.  Our funny moments and our picture moments and our really really great friend moments - there's a reason that we didn't make this an all-friend trip, and it was so we didn't have to care about anyone else except what we wanted to do and drink and eat and discuss and view.  The pictures are funny too.  But I just don't want to share.....I'm sorry!

Here are some pictures of the scenery along the way as a consolation prize....  

And I realize that this is why I'll never reach super-blogger status and will always need to be very creative in my writing to keep  my fives and tens interested....but I just can't divulge all the Lulu secrets.  Maybe someday, when I'm not working at the Huge....

Thanks for hanging with me anyway.  I hope.

The Largest Ball of Twine Tree

MFT and I are on the hunt here on the West Coast - and not for shoes or jewelry or fun/drinks/beautiful scenery/fab B&Bs/deckster drinks and oysters. Even though we did find all of those things and more, such as hipster pinwheel headbands in honor of Memorial Day.


No, we are searching for that one tourist stop, the perfect roadside stand or statue or icon that will really define our quest for the perfect MFT and Lulu trip experience. Like the biggest ball of twine. Or the largest frying pan. Maybe Paul Bunyan, Babe the Blue Ox, this troll or Alligator Man. You know - those attractions that were like magnets to us as kids on our endless summer vacation roadtrips, wistfully watching them whiz by the car window as we sat in 'the wayback' seat of the station wagon- because of course, Dad would never stop for the really cool stuff....(not sure how all that alliteration willfully got whacked in there....but you get my point). Something that we could pose beside, giddily clicking snapshots to capture the moment!!!

So imagine our excitement when we saw that the world's largest ALBINO REDWOOD TREE is located in Big Sur!!! And yes, we know that technically it would be a whitewood tree but so what? A bona fide roadside attraction, just where we were staying for the weekend - huzzah!!

We stopped in the little store attached to the resort for directions to get to the world's largest albino redwood tree, although, we scoffed a bit at our own question - surely this attraction should be easily recognizable! After all, the logo for the resort has a large white redwood-shaped tree carved into the sign swinging outside the store. One would have to assume....

So we walked down the stairs behind the store that lead downhill to the resort campground. Hearts beating in anticipation, we looked at the campers all around, in their tents and their campers and their campfires and campchairs (we were in Campville, as opposed to Whoville) and wondered why they weren't hand in hand, dancing around the mighty Albino, doing a campville polka? Where in fact, WAS the ART???

Oh, there's a sign! The ART, the ART!!!

Silence.

More silence.

Silent staring.

At......a stump. A redwood stump. Granted, a large stump, but a stump, nonetheless. MFT and I turned to look at each other - she said, "I don't get it" and I said, "Does that lady in the store realize that the campers here in campville have a big Albino redwood campFIRE going???"

Ok - the stump isn't really the albino part - it's the host of this party. Apparently, albino redwoods live off the roots of other redwoods, and it really just looks like a big shrub. A big white and brown shrubby bushy tree.

We were completely disappointed and letdown. It's as if the largest frying pan turned out to be a small, used cottage cheese container that was a bit melty from the dishwasher.

Maybe Dad knew something after all.....

Come Again, Part Two

At the beachside nail salon:
MFT: More men should get pedicures - it would make their shoes fit better!
Lulu: Mormons should get more pedicures?

At the swanky beachside seafood restaurant:
MFT: Oooo, that last swallow...(of wine) I can really taste the honey.
Lulu: That's why I don't like onions.
MFT: ***??
Lulu: You can really taste the oniony sauce? Didn't you just gargle that wine to get the onion taste out of your mouth? Isn't that what you said?
MFT: Yes, that wine DID have a fine oniony finish.

Come Again??

So - it's Sunday, and I finally have internet access to post up a bit about the roadtrip. MFT (MyfriendTeri, for the last time) has graciously agreed to be a guest blogger for the rest of the week, so stay tuned for her words of wisdom. Which will be funnier if we've had some adult bevvies.

Our friendship works because we find ourselves endlessly amusing.

We were in Big Sur for a few days, did a drive-through on Pebble Beach and now we're doing the holiday weekend tourist shuffle in Monterey with many many tourists. We take our act on the road again next week, appearing for a day or so in Carmel, and then heading back north for the end of the week. T-shirts in the lobby! Oops. Wrong show. Although we did see some hipsters in Big Sur who were old enough to have been roadies for Jim Morrison .....but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Gorgeous scenery, great food, interesting people, pictures to come in the next few days so you can see for yourselves. All is good.

Except that we seem to be having some hearing issues.

It started with a trip to the mall for some clothing staples (ok, I left my underoos in the dryer at home - I was trying to get in one last email for work, Mr. Lulu started yelling that we had to leave for the airport right NOW if I was going to get a seat inside the plane, I had to jump on my suitcase to close it and accidentally squished my glasses...you get the picture). So off to pick up some undies and maybe a light sweater and oh look! They have some scarves to help us cover our heads as the wind blows our hair back in our non-convertible!

Lulu: Oh, that scarf looks nice! You're draping it like it's a Muslim head covering though...
MFT: No, it's cotton.
Lulu: ????
MFT: The scarf. It's cotton.
Lulu: Okaaay... ???
MFT: Cotton. COTTON! It's not muslin.

(A few minutes, later, as we enter the grocery store)

Lulu: Damn, I forgot to get a cardigan at the last store! (insert Midwest twang here)
MFT: Again? Well, they have cards here.

(As we're trying to get out the door and on the road to Big Sur)
MFT: Do you have the time?
Lulu: No, I'm fine.

(As we're driving)
Lulu: Do you need some chapstick?
MFT: Yeah, do you have any handy?
Lulu: No, not candy - chapstick. Do you need some?
MFT: ***

Oh, well, maybe some more champagne and Fran's chocolates will help.

Patriotic pictures tomorrow and MFT says hi! (She's too busy working the numbers on her sleepnumber bed to blog tonight - maybe tomorrow.)

ROAD TRIP!!!!!!! And FREE WIFI ON SOUTHWEST FLIGHTS!!

AND YES I'M YELLING!!!!!

Because TODAY - is the start of the MyfriendTeri (Thelma) and Lulu (Louise) trip!!!!

I fly out today to hit the road to recreate a very famous movie and road trip. Missives and pictures to come from the road - I promise!

It will be exactly like the movie....

Only - we don't have a convertible - but the windows will be open!

And - neither of us is running away from anyone - but we're getting away!

There will be no assault - we're tough and scrappy!

Or any killings - except for limes for our adult bevvies!

Definitely no driving off the cliff - MyfriendTeri is a goooood driver.

There will be roadtrip snacks and music and magazines and cute shoes and sunglasses and work decompression and FUNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!

Stay tuned for detailed descriptions of our reindeer games!!!

UPDATE 3:21 PM ET

WOW - MY FIRST MISSIVE FROM THE ROOOOOOOAAAADDDDDDDD!!!

Yeah, I'm excited - I'm on a Southwest flight - Southwest Airlines rocks, btw, check out this post on theflyingpinto.com - and I hit the blogging jackpot because they're doing a trial run for Wi fi on this flight and it's free! How cool is that? I am sending all y'all my thoughts from the plane, somewhere over the U.S. OH - the captain just said that we're over Mississippi, with two hours to go. Alllrighty!

And all y'all?

Karma. Is a bitch. Remember this post? All about the travel rules? Guess who surrounded me at the gate and in the security line? Guess who jockeyed for position in the A-boarding pass line? Yes! All of my new travel buddies, none of whom have read the rules. Of course they're here - it's a holiday weekend. There is a woman on this flight who has already proudly proclaimed to everyone on the flight, that she hasn't flown in 20 years, where's the meal, where are the blankets, where's the movie?

The worst though? Guess who's sitting across the aisle from me??

Stinky farter guy. And he's in full form.

Dude. We know it's you. All 14 people in this 5-row block around you - did you not see our heads snap up and swivel towards you simultaneously like an inflight synchronized swim team? Oh if only we had their nose plugs about now...please, we beg you - spend some alone time in the restroom.

Gotta run - we have wifi but no power strips.

Lulu's Good Reads and Good Blogs and Good Stuff and More

Reading for me, is like breathing.  I have to read.  MUST read.  Cannot-go-a-day-without-the-printed-word - type of obsession. 

I will read anything.  The back of the cereal box, the newspaper from two days ago, an airline magazine, the directions for mixing cement.  According to family legend, I started reading at age 4 and haven't stopped.  When I was young, I would go to the library weekly and check out the maximum allowed of 7 books, and then would ride my Stingray bicycle with the deckster banana seat to the bookmobile and take out seven more, balanced in the little vinyl wicker basket on the front.  My car pulls into bookstores of its own accord. If I don't have a stack of books to be read, I'm cranky and nervous.  As I'm running in heels to catch a plane I will run through the airport bookstore. I'm usually reading at least two and sometimes three at a time- well.  You get the picture.

It's interesting that I'm also hooked on reality TV.  Not saying, just saying.

So.  There is a website called Goodreads and all you hipster readers should definitely check it out.  In the not so distant past, I was obsessed with this site, and logged on at every opportunity to pick up tips on what other people were reading, to list all of my books, to talk about what I had read, what I was going to read, my reviews of these books and so on and so on and then...and then.....I stopped.  Not sure why, although it may have had something to do with realizing that many of the goodreaders were more interested in using the site for social networking than for book clubbing.  There's nothing wrong with that, it just wasn't for me.  I want to talk booksbooksBOOKS.  Phew.  Too much Starbucks at Barnes and Noble.

Dear Goodreads - we needed a break.  It's not you, it's me.  You are deckster readable.  I'm not really breaking up with you, I'm just finding my reading self somewhere else (actually, the irony is that I'm now reading all your deckster blogs out there, my fives and tens, and kind of ummmm.....well...I guess...social networking.  Blush.)

And the Pleasantville Housewives monthly book club doesn't actually discuss the books.  The invites proudly state that "most of the time, we haven't read a word of the book, but c'mon over y'all to get away from the kids and have some wine!"  

THE POINT OF THIS POST - and I do have one, as it's so much more interesting for the reader when I do - is that I'm still reading a lot of books AND reading new blogs every day AND I'm also obsessed with magazines.   

So - the pictures are of my latest stacks (already read{glasses on top} and to be read{no glasses} and please ignore the dust).  

Check out these NEW BLOGS, as I think these women have interesting things to say -  The Fifty Factor and The Flying Pinto - new deckster blogs with a different point of view.  

And finally, please look over on the right there, in my sideroll of interesting things, where you'll see more More MORE - More Magazine items to review and discuss.  This time it's a discussion regarding lying about your age - good stuff in both the print magazine and the dot.com 

Whew.  I'm exhausted.  Off to lounge on the couch on a rainy day, sniffing my new books and watching the Red Wings.  That's another obsession, for another day.

Travel Rules

And that title doesn't have an exclamation point after it.  I'm not saying, "Travel RULES!!!"   I'm actually offering up some helpful observations and tips as we head into the traditional vacation season.  If you fly for work or fun this season, here are some road warrior handy hints (said with a bright shiny snarky talk show hostess smile and tone after just having gotten off a plane)......

Be curious!  When everyone is standing in a loooong line to check in at the airport and there are...oh...I don't know - eight open kiosks available with a big sign that says "Step up here to check your bags and get your boarding pass" - you might want to be curious and check it out! Seriously, I know that you may not have flown since 1970 and you're proclaiming loudly to your wife that you KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING and YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE GIRL CALLS US OVER and THOSE MACHINES ARE FOR COMPUTER PEOPLE but trust me, a curious nature will help in this situation!

This curiosity can carry over to the security line as well!  There are big signs posted telling you what to do and what to put into the bins and where you should line up.  Read and ask questions if you're not sure.  Also, when the TSA tells you to take your shoes and your belt off and put them in the bin, don't get mad and proclaim WHAT'S THE MATTER and WHAT - YOU THINK I'M A TERRORIST? and WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THAT - the TSAs do not care that you may not have done this before and that you are just a grandparent trying to get to your granddaughter's graduation and they WILL make you go through the strip search.

Ah yes.  The TSAs.  Their job is to make sure that we are all safe from those who would do us harm and for the most part, they are a professional lot.  HOWEVER - you there, Mr. Big Guy Couldn't Run Down the Donut Vendor Much Less a Terrorist..... - Seriously?  Why are you so deliberately brusque with that lady in the wheelchair who can't hear or walk very well??  Is this how you treat your parents or grandparents?  Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't find any stats where Aunt Bee hid explosives in her updo and took out a 747.  A little more kindness and a little less control freakiness would go a long way!

Next - a little fashion tip.  Pajamas, men's tank tops, Bill Clinton's running shorts - all Glamour Don'ts.  I beg you - don't.  And as you never know how long you might be delayed on the plane, please don't forget to shower before you leave home - think of the person squashed into the seat next to you for four stinky hours.

Unless I make eye contact and ask you to sit next to me and tell me about your ex-husband's dog-grooming tax issues, please don't.

Don't drink yourself silly in the airport and then sit in the exit row.  Remember when being the safety monitor in grade school was an honor and act accordingly.

Don't push your seat back as far as it can go and into my lap - I'm already married.

Don't put your sweater into the overhead bin, shut the bin door, and then get mad when a fellow passenger attempts to put a computer bag in the same bin.  Your sweater will survive, I promise.  

But -Mr. Business Man with the oh-so-important computer bag / carry-on luggage?  We ALL need to use the space underneath the seat -  so don't crush that violin case / wedding dress / military dress uniform that's been carefully placed on top of all the other luggage with your second bag.  Suck it up and put it under the seat.

Also, don't attempt to jam your oversized bag into the bin, slam the door on it 10 times, swear, give up, throw yourself into your seat angrily and leave it to the flight attendant to find a way to make it fit.    

Flight attendants - you chose this job.  Please don't take your frustration out on us, the paying customers.  Unless we're drunk/self-important/threatening stupid jerks.  Then, have at it.

And you, young strong businessboy guy - when you see grandma or grandpa struggling to get their bag into the overhead bin, give them a hand.  Pay it forward a bit.

Thank the attendants and the pilots.  Every time.  Like anesthesiologists, they have jobs that consist of long periods of routine punctuated by extreme MOMENTS OF PANIC - and we need to appreciate their cool under pressure.

Venting lecture over.  Peace out.

Guess what I got for Mom's Day?

My mom's legs.

Yep.  I looked down at my short little underpinnings yesterday and realized that I've been gifted with mom's legs.

And no, I didn't get a leg transplant, although if I hadn't spoken with her on Sunday morning, I might have thought that we'd been the victims of a vicious limb switch.  Actually, maybe we were - but at this point, it would be hard to tell.  Other than the scars from her bilateral knee replacements.

 Don't get me wrong - I love my legs.  They're strong and healthy and so far, replacement-free.  I can walk and run and work out with them, I can chase grandchildren, cabs and a 50% sale with them.  I can show off my calves and rock a pencil skirt with heels, and of course, I intend to honor them by purchasing shoes for them with MFT on the TandL trip. 

But I heard an ominous crackling in the right knee as I was doing yoga yesterday, I'm feeling a shooting pain down my left leg today (although that's probably a back issue - just another legacy from Mom, thanks!), and well.....the skin is starting to be ....let's just say - not so elastic.  And there are little gifts from the years of sun that are NOT cute little freckles.  And, there might have been some spiders leaving a few marks overnight.

Happy Mother's Legs Day!

Sighhhhh...(Leg twitter. Pulling on jeans.  Heavy sighing.  Dragging myself to mirror.  Hey! Cheering up at the sight of nice, dark-wash jeans with peep-toe pumps - decent line, makes my legs look a little longer, a little leaner.  Ignoring shooting pain telling me to wear sensible shoes.   Oops.  May need to quickly polish just big toes for shoes.  Nope, doesn't work.  Slumping into self-centered, inane worry, leg depression again.)  

I'm so tired of the 'Should do / Must do' List

Mr. Lulu is on a boy's trip this weekend, so I have three free days to get Lulu-stuff done - OTT!

Here are the things that I should  this weekend:

• ...Have gotten up earlier (why??)
  
• Sweep /Clean / Dust / Vacuum the house (didn't I just do that about two weeks ago????)
  
• Wash the windows so I can see through them (can't I pay someone to get up on that 84-ft ladder and fight the 90 degree heat to do that???)
  
• Clean out three year's worth of magazines (what if I find out that I desperately need that healthy recipe from ummm you know where - that one magazine? - you know the one.)
  
• Clean out the refrigerator (Ok, I did do that - stinky is stinky)
  
• Purchase new cubbies / base for office/studio on sale (with money saved, make extra mortgage payment)
  
• Clean out office /studio, reorganize all craft / art supplies
  
• Put on sunscreen and stay out of the sun (Duh)
  
• Skip the alcohol and cut out the salt (Again, why?)
  

This is what's happening instead - 

• Got up at 8:30 am
  
• Swept the room with a stern look, willing the dust away
  
• Opened the windows to get a clear view
  
• Restacked the magazines very neatly
  
• Put cubbies and base together - solo, with tools and everything - with money saved, bought some cute tops for MyfriendTeri and Lulu trip (like $37.59 will get me that much closer to owning the house, Ms. Sooozie Orman??)
  
• Cleaned the fridge
  
• Putting on sunscreen and a hat, taking some chips and salsa and a vodka tonic to sit in the sun and read new magazines off the top of the clean stack.
  
• Creating new mess in studio, to add to disorganization

It's all good in the Luluhood.

Thelma (myfriendTeri) and Louise (Lulu) trip

Yesssssss!  MyfriendTeri and I are taking a trip to recreate the famous Thelma and Louise roadtrip!

Except without the killing and the assault and the truck blowing up and the driving off the cliff.

But yeah - everything else!  Driving down the road with filmy scarves wrapped oh-so-carelessly to protect our lovely 'do's, and big sunglasses, with sundresses and mules or capris and wedges and stopping at adult bevvie establishments.....

Yeah, I know that these are the 'after' pictures....check out the rockin' high-waisted mom jeans and that '80's bang on the top of Louise' head.  Sooooo deck.

Ok, we decided against the convertible - but we'll have the windows open!

Actually, here's what we're really going to do, with apologies to Callie Khouri….

Whilst on a short weekend getaway, Louise shoots a man who had tried to rape Thelma. Lulu flies out to visit myfriendTeri.  Due to the incriminating circumstances, needing to take a vacation, they make a run for it but are soon followed closely by the authorities their Blackberries, including a local policeman roaming gnome who is sympathetic to their plight. The federal authorities, work police, however, have less compassion and thus a cross country chase ensues for the two fugitives hot chick friends. Along the way, both women rediscover the strength of their friendship and surprising aspects of their personalities and self-strengths in the trying times of finding the perfect pair of summer shoes while eating at great restaurants and staying in precious B&B’s down the central coast of Mexico California.

So if anyone has ideas for us on places to stay/eat/shop, please pass them on.  Pictures and blogs will ensue along the way....promise!

Stooooormy WEAtherrrrrrrrrr......

Ok, I can't carry a note with a co-signer, so please don't imagine me singing the tune and no, that wouldn't be my choice for a stripper name - but I'm posting some cool pictures of the storm clouds that gathered over my house last night while the weather guy was freaking out on TV - Tornadoes touching down!  Hail and lightning! Rain and flooding!  It all missed us but I snapped a bunch of pictures to capture the moment.

Lulu's Sandbar

Bitsy Creations made me some new ads so I can get the word out a bit further about my etsy Sandbar - you should take a look at her store.  Thanks Bits!

Speaking of checking things out....when I walked into the gym tonight, two thirtyish guys walking out did the total head-to-toe checkout thing, and I'm thinking, "Wow, ok, maybe I still have it."  And I strutted a little bit into the locker room - and then, naturally I tripped and dropped my water bottle and it spilled.  But they didn't see.  So I was still a little proud of myself - I've been working out hard!

Of course, the conversation that they had as they walked out probably went like this:

Guy #1 "Man, I was so busy selling widgets today, I didn't have time for anything personal."

Guy #2 "Like what?"

Guy #1 "Oh well, you know, I had to check Match.com, and find that girl's number...and there's something else I have to do this weekend, but I just can't remember.. "

Guy#2 "What's that?"

Silence as they walk by me and check me out.

Guy #2 "So anyway, what were you saying about this weekend?"

Guy #1 "Yeah, I remember now - gotta pick up something for Mother's Day.  For my grandma."

Yup, probably.  

Adult Bevvies to celebrate Relatives Begone

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........

Hear that?  No, not the sound of me typing.  

That.  No, not the sound of ice cubes in the VT, sloshing around in the limey good essence of Grey Goose.  Although that's a nice sound, even though it's only 1:54 pm on a Sunday afternoon.  Don't judge.

Yes, that sound....or rather, the lack of sound.  No one asking about seeing the local sights or what we're going to do for dinner, or if there are any historical sites or whether we have more fat-free, sugar-free, flavor-free chocolate foodstuffs.  No one telling me stories about their child's softball/volleyball/skeet-shooting/third degree belt cup-stacking Tigger-striping fourth-place finish and how she was CLEARly robbed of third-place by little Miss Philomena Whosit with the mother who's sleeping with the assistant BAND DIRECTOR for god's sake!

No one talking to me or at me.

Just OTT (see new pic over there on the right) and me, sucking down VTs.   To change our addytudes.  Shwewwwwwwwwwww..........

Ok.  To be fair, I'm exaggerating - because that's what we deck blogsters do for effect, right? - they're nice solid good-hearted folks, truly and fairly easy to host.  But dear god, they can TALK.  They can even outtalk Mr. Lulu.  Which is really really saying something, because that man can talk the ears right off a filibustering politician.

So shhhhhhhhhhhh........I'll check in with everyone a little later.....