Cowboy Girls

So myfriendTeri (who's still on her flight here) always wanted to be a cowboygirl when she grew up. Not a cowgirl......a cowboy girl. She thought 'cowboy' was non-gender specific, like president or teacher or doctor or stripper or porn star or blogger. Whatev.

And I always wanted red cowboy boots - beautiful! Second only to the midcalf, white baton twirler boots with the tassle. Neither of which I ever got for Christmas......hence my grinchee attitude.

Anyway - what better sign that we were meant to be BFF?

So - while the theme - because we all know how I feel about party themes - for our NYE get-together is 'Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy,' the subtheme is 'Suck it, Pleasantville Housewives - the Cowboy Girl Bitches will Ride tonight!!'*

*shouted many times while ingesting adult bevvies...talk about addies!!

MFT's birthday is tomorrow - more details to come!

Head CBGB Lulu

Happy New...whatever.

Yeah. Happy happy cheery boo yahhhhhhh!.

More to follow - myfriendTeri will be here tonight for a rockin' Eve!

Holy Crapenzee....People are Nice to Me!!

I went to bed last night at the top of Grinch mountain, and woke up in freakin' Whoville!! And me...such a Grinchee! (But finally - a healthy Grinchee, thanks for the caring comments from my fives and tens...who are probably down to twos and twopointfives, but still - you're here for me and I really appreciate it.)

I'm not the best cheery, holidayish kind of gal. I'm mostly the stalking-through-the-mall-after-work-in-heels kind of non-christmassy doing the supermarket sweep slapping down the credit card grumbling churlish girl, and this year is no exception.

After traveling a full eight weeks from Oct. 17 - Dec. 11 for work....after going through the heels on two sets of black shoes.....after going through 14 pairs of tights and pantyhose (yes I still wear p.h., don't judge - my mind is 24 but my legs are...well...not..)....after unpacking and repacking in two countries, 13 states, 16 cities and just as many hotel rooms....after H1N1 and a respiratory infection....after planning and providing a 5-yr-old birthday party, an Oktoberfest fete, 5 national sales meetings, 2 international meetings and the holiday party for my entire staff at my house........I'm back, and trying to get caught up.

Without complaining, right karma gods? :)

And flat-out exhausted. And don't really want to be holiday girl. I want to be 20 pounds thinner (notice the travel handles under my red suit there ) spend the next 14 days basking in the sun somewhere - somewhere I don't have to pack! - reading books don't care where girl.

But noooooo... the holidays get here whether we want them to or not, and so there I was this morning, maneuvering through Target and Best Buy and Barnes and Noble...and darn it! People were being nice to each other - all "no, you first"ing, and "please, after you"ing, and cheerfully "excuse me"ing all over the place. I saw two people from a fender bender hug for goodness' sake. And all the smiling smiling smilingsmiling..sheesh!

Stop it people! Don't you know that we're in a recession and a war with no healthcare reform yet? Haven't you seen the news?? Can't you tell that we're supposed to be mindlessly buying up merchandise and overspending and overleveraging?? What's with all the nicey, retro, comfy food, watch your money, get to know your families and neighbors stuff?

What happened while I was breathing all that stuffy airplane air?

Please, someone - quick, say something snarky.

Signed,

Confused in Carolina

PS - I missed you too, my friends - I'll be commenting like mad on all your bloggies soon!

Ummmmm......HI!

Hi all. Y'all. All y'all. Haven't seen you in a while. Well, actually, I've never really seen any of you, except in pictures. But I haven't read blogs or posted anything myself and uhhh.....I'm sorry. Sort of.

Because these are the reasons - Work and Illness. Cough Cough Coughity cough - can't shake it - had to get a chest X-ray - two types of inhalers - prescription cough medicine - type of illness. And it's a little scary due to all of the swine flu media attention. And work has really picked up, as I have some new global responsibilities, so that's good, right? Having work is good.

Unfortunately, I haven't done anything for me except work, cough, come home and watch Tivo.

So - I hope that everyone is doing well - I'm off to check you out, and then I need to get a christening gift and then I need to do some holiday stuff and then I need to order new rugs for my house......sighhhhh.

Or maybe I'll just click through Tivo for a while.

Hack, Coughhhh...Hackity Coughcoughcough...

Yikes - I'm back, for just one very quick post - and of course, wonder grandson has H1N1 and we were all exposed to him on Halloween.....now I'm sick, and have to attend JUST ONE MORE MEETING for the Huge....and then I'll be baaaaaack!

I need to get caught up on all y'all, and then maybe I'll regale you with tales of my super work roadtrip - I've been home just 2 days since Oct. 16. With one suitcase!

See you soon -

Lulu (sniffs)

ARRGHGHGHGHGHGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!! MORE quotes!

Yarrr, it's time for the pirate birthday party! The giant inflatable pirate ship bouncy house, the millions of cheap plastic pirate / Halloween toys for the treasure chest, the yummy cupcakes and pirate ship cake.....and of course, adult bevvies for the pirate worker bees after the festivities.

(slurps Starbucks pumpkin spice latte with 2% and no whip).

We're ready, so stop the rain any damn time, weather gods!! Can't you see this party is for the fifth birthday of wonder grandson??? Sheesh.

So anyway, speaking of talking like a pirate, my friend Aziza has sent me some quotes from the MORE Reinvention Convention, so I want to post some of my favorites over the next few days and weeks.

Yes, I KNOW it's kind of a cop out to 'best practice share' someone else's thoughts in my blog, shut up. In case you haven't read my other whines and wines, I'm a little busy right now.

So here's the first:

At Monday's More Reinvention Convention at Pier 60, Morning Joe's Mika Brzezinski led a lunchtime discussion with Nora and Delia Ephron, writers of the new play "Love, Loss and What I Wore," and More Editor in Chief Lesley Jane Seymour. Highlights from the uproarious talk include:

About Nora's worst clothing mistake: "My worst mistake was my wedding dress at my best wedding -- my third wedding. I had a permanent and I looked a little bit like a dalmation. It's heartbreaking because it was such a happy day."

And Delia's: "One out of every three things I buy is a mistake. Along with all of my tax files."

And Mika's: "They used to call me fabulous at CBS because of the shoes I wore. One day, I had on my heel and my tight skirt and a top. I was sitting, and everyone was commenting on how fabulous my shoes were. I strutted over to the bathroom and noticed that my skirt had split in the back all the way up. My butt looked like two hams. I did get fired from that job."

I loved this! I too have strutted my way across the office with such righteous pride in my appearance....and then had a split or a tear or a trip and fall or toilet paper stuck to my shoe....so funny.

Mika is great on "Morning Joe" - check it out!

Recovery Day 11

No, this isn't a twelve step blog. (slurps wine)....

The title is just my way of acknowledging that I haven't been here in 8 days. Yes, I'm slacking...no, wait - bloglacking. Yup. Not been here.

Ok - so let me catch you up. Recovered from Oktoberfest. Had 15-yr-old daughter of friends as houseguest over the weekend. Marveled at her texting speed. Went back to twitter. Still don't get it. Sold some stuff, bought some stuff. Traveled. Corporated. Sewed some stuff. Packed, flew, worked, unpacked.

Watched (in no particular order) Top Chef, Biggest Loser, DWTS, college football, Amazing Race, Project Runway, Castle, the news, the Today show, Say Yes to the Dress.

Read some books and did some puzzles to get sluggish brain moving again.

Yup. That's about it. Did I mention the slacking?

I'm off to catch up on all y'all -

Lulu Held Hostage

...by salt and German food and Oktoberfest beer....Day 3.

So, I worked all Friday night prepping, and all day Saturday decorating and cooking and prepping and all Saturday night partying.

And now....I'm spending all day Sunday recovering. Not hung over - somehow I kept losing my drinks - just so so soooo exhausted. And needing to wring myself out from the salty food stuff...

Must. Lie. On. Couch.....and watch Tivo of Project Runway shows to catch up. And recover.

Beer hats and Dirndls and Spaetzle....EIN PROSIT!

I do love a theme. Give me a motif, some crafty supplies, food and bevvies, and I'm off!

Just ask my friends and the Pleasantville neighbors - our parties are starting to be popular...if not.....welllllll....maybe a touch legendary. Just a touch.

Cinco de Mayo two years in a row? They were standing around the kitchen island fighting over the mini burritos and the homemade salsa. The kids were in the garage using golf clubs to beat the heck out of the pinatas, after which we gave them a bucket of filled water balloons and a balloon launcher...The adults stayed so long and enjoyed the adult bevvies so much, we had to send two of them off to their own homes to fetch more tequila. Which didn't really matter in the end, because after THAT was gone, we started putting leftover alcohol into the blender with fruit and calling it a margarita. Which was really like a purple jesus party but that's a theme better off left in the '80's...

New Year's Eve? The black and white, flipflops/tuxedos party....again, standing around the kitchen island chowing, while we killed six bottles of champagne, wore plastic beer goggle glasses and topped off the night with a sappy, slurry version of "Stand by your Man" sung a capella by myfriendMK.

Memorial Day - fireworks in the backyard, pointed at the vampire neighbors (honest-to-god-dyin-if-I'm-lyin' - we never ever see any lights on in their house. So we think they're vampires. Only not the good young sexy kind - the older creepy kind. But aren't they all old.....really really old? Hmm...Digressing). Encouraging the kids to have a food fight with the melty s'mores cooked on the outdoor fire, which - combined with fireworks - made the firemen across the field 'take notice.' Hey - it's all fun until someone starts their little brother on fire....

The neighborhood block party? Everyone else brought a dish to pass...we rented the cotton candy machine and put all the kids into diabetic comas...

Yeah. I think they're all 'getting babysitters' and 'having to drop off the kids at the parents' and 'locking them in the house to keep them away from us and our sugar' for the next party....

So - I'm currently painting pumpkins in Oktoberfest colors, getting ready for our big shindig on Saturday!

Yup - decorated beer tent if it's nice, beer cellar if it rains.

We have beer, wine, spareribs and sauerkraut.

Bierrocks, spaetzle and hot German potato salad.

REAL bratwurst, shipped in from our favorite little butcher store in the midwest, where all of my German and Polish relatives live.

Lots of bacon to cook with and top with and wrap food with...and I ordered a new gallbladder with a side of fresh arteries for post-party....

Beads with Oktoberfest medallions, a giant fuzzy stuffed beer hat for Mr. Lulu and a tight dirndl t-shirt for me - couldn't quite bring myself to get the full serving girl outfit....did I mention beer?

OHHH and vintage German beer coasters - how deck is that?

Zicke zacke zicke zacke Hoi Hoi Hoi!!!

Your invitations are in the mail - regrets only.

HA HA Lulu's Blog will create Benefits and Provide Humor and drive Controversy for you won't it? - this is an Important and Witty Post Title

CRAFTING AN IMPORTANT AND WITTY BLOG TITLE is really key to getting people to my blog, I know! Because otherwise, I'm only found through readers googling baby psychic. Or shankapottamus. For a while it was Single Ladies Dance. The Travel Rules still brings 'em in a bit. Phlegm garnered a few hits. And then there were a few for baby phlegm.

Ick.

Phlegm.

I'm back - I had to dump a bottle of Purell on my keyboard. My fives and tens know how I feel about that sticky phlegmmy stuff....ewwwww...

But anyway - apparently there are 226,000 opportunities to get help for 'crafting' a blog title. (In the corporate world at the Huge, we say that it costs more to 'craft' something instead of simply writing it. Good to know if I was getting paid for blogging. So ummm. Back to my point....and I do have one).

I know this because I googled 'blog post titles.' I saw some good tips! Be humorous, create controversy, don't go past 65 characters, provide value, ask questions and personalize it with 'You.'

So I tried to work it all into one title. I can't wait to see how high I am on the google blog title meter!

And oh yeah, I'm still here and it's not November yet (right?) - I was speaking metaphorically or allegorically or sarcasticagorically - take your pick - in my last post. Thanks for potentially missing me! I'll still check in and out during the October road tour - most of my posts won't make sense though, so should provide some BENEFICIAL, HUMOROUS AND CONTROVERSIAL moments - or titles, anyway...

Cleanup on Life Aisle Two

Life is messy and I love it that way - always so much better to be out-of-control busy...but still....

So - at work, I'm co-leading the planning and production of 5 national meetings for over 1500 employees at the Huge, all to take place between October 17 - November 7. And my team is going through some transitions as well - all good, but still requires much care and feeding. And I have to travel for work every week between now and November 7. Besides the meetings.

Livin' the dream. (requisite "I don't mind the travel, corporate work gods so don't think I'm whining okaaaay???!!)

At home, I'm throwing an Oktoberfest party for multiple friends, neighbors and generations in late September, doing all of the crafting (sewing pirate bean bags for tossin,' girl and boy pirate bandannas, painting buckets for pirate loot, etc...) for a special Pirate birthday party in early October, having the daughter of friends stay with us for another early October weekend and trying to keep up with the etsy store, my blog, two email accounts and of course, remote Mom.

My mosaic farookas is gone.....for now. (ominous music)

My hard-fought 5 lb loss....is not gone. (even more ominous music)

The fitness center is sending me overdue weight loss messages. (wa wa waaaaaaaaa)

I have stabbed myself fourteen times with the needle on my sewing machine. (laugh track)

My new worry from Dr. Google is that if my husband were to spring an Alzheimer's test on me I would not be able to name more than 5 four-legged animals (zebra always comes to mind...over and over. Can't remember farm animals) so I've got a new Nintendo DS and I'm working Brain Age and Professor Layton puzzles before I go to bed.

Hot flashes wake me up between 4 and 6 am like clockwork ( and everyone KNOWS that women need a solid eight hours...according to MORE magazine.)

Shwew. That's the update. That's all I've got. See you in aisle ten......like, in November some time!

Mosaic Farookas

Exchange with my very nice, extremely smart doctor:

Dr. Smarty: "Huh. Yup, you have kind of a rash there, on your elbow."

Lulu: "Yeah, and it really feels like I was bitten-"

Dr. Smarty: "Nope."

Lulu: "Yes, I felt a stingi-"

Dr. Smarty: "Nope."

Lulu: "But I felt like a stinging and I slapped my arm and then-"

Dr. Starting to be Irritating Smarty: "Uhhhh no."

Lu Starting to be Irritated Lu: "STOP with the noping!!! I'm still pretty new to the SOUTH and I KNOW there are brown recluse spiders and this friend of mine got bitten in Maryland one time and he didn't notice it right awaaaaaay! And his wife had to takehimtotheERandhealmost DIEEEEEEEEEEEED!"

*Breathing hard, still holding elbow up for inspection, starting to sweat (although that could just be a hot flash, different doctor need altogether) and glaring at Dr. Irritating McSmartyPants*

Dr IMSP: "It's not spider bites."

Panicking Lulu: (gasp gasp) "What?"

Voice starting to echo in my head: "It's its not not not spider bites bites..."

Panic rising Lulu: "Is it a TICK?? DO I HAVE LYME DISEASE!!?? Do I have malaria, yellow fever, dengue fever, Japanese B encephalitis, filariasis, leishmaniasis, chagas disease(caused by ASSASIN BUGS!) typhus or the PLAGUE???????!!!!"

Voice of James Earl Jones coming from overhead: "Luuuuuuulu. I'm not your faaaaathuh and you DO NOT have ANY BUG BITE DISEASE AT ALL!! Stop reading WebMD!"

Lulu: "Oh."

Red-faced Lulu: (mumbling). "Then ahhh. It's just a rash, right? No big deal? (nervous chuckle) Just - it'll go away, right?"

Dr. McSmartyPants: "Yeah, it's fine. YOU'll be fine. It will go away."

Dr. Smirking McSmartyPants: "Unless it's mosaic farookas."

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......

(Yeah, bet he'll need some 'topical ointment' now too - for that stab wound I gave him with the tongue depressor....)

Enjoy a bug-free weekend!!

Mom Called...

...and told me that she enjoyed her lunch on Tuesday. :)

She also told me to get my fanny - Mom never uses the word ass. She also doesn't like 'pea' as in 'I have to...' - she told me to get my fanny off the couch and get back to blogging.

Riiiiiiiight. Mom and the internet age? Not so much....I haven't told Mom yet that I didn't send a written thank you note to a friend for an event last month...shhhh. Don't upset her any further by telling her that I sent an email instead.

Hey, one thing that did get me moving out o' the house was the Kenny Chesney concert on Sunday night - well woooo hoooooooooo!!

I have always considered myself to be a rocker chick, but concerts like that could seriously change my mind. It was really cool - at an outdoor amphitheater and the weather was great, acoustics and background videos were cool. Also fronting for him is Lady Antebellum, which I helped book for a meeting for the Huge a few years ago when they were relatively unknown and didn't even have a record label yet- omigosh!

When I waved at them from my lawn seat?

They waved back!! I'm sure they remembered me!

But anyway. It was fun and the music was good and everybody sang along. So I've got that going for me.

Hey, check out the new MORE link over there - it's about trying to take ownership of the title 'cougar.' And....I'm not really sure how I feel about it.

But - Jo from The Fifty Factor is PUBLISHED AT MORE.COM!!!!! Go check her out.

Shwew....I'm exhausted.....back to AGT.

TaTa for now, as Tigger would say. Or Save the TaTa's, as we used to say in the mammography department.

Wow. I think I just took a wrong turn in Digressionville again.....

Don't MAKE me call your mom!!!

This is the phrase that myfriendTeri and I use when we haven't spoken in a week or so. As in..."I haven't heard from you and I don't know where you are in the world right now - don't make me call your mom to find out because then she'll worry and then I'll worry and it will all go really really bad."

So please don't call my mom because you haven't heard from me - although she would love to hear from my fives and tens! - because then I'll be in trouble. Prolly get grounded, and I have a baseball game and Kenny Chesney to see this weekend!

Apologies to my regulars for not posting and for not getting caught up on all y'all - it's been a lackadaisical week for me....last weekend we visited the cutest grandchild ever, and then this week I've come home from work every day, I've sunk into the couch and just....clicked through the channels. Over and over. Deep in thought..........

ok, deep into reality shows really.

Which requires no thought, except to gasp, "WHO is VOTING for gawd's sake??!!" when Ishaara got voted off AGT and "Ish!" when one of the new male chefs on Top Chef makes a sexist comment, and "What is THAT??!!" for the halter diaper on Project Runway.

No cooking, no cleaning, no laundry, no blogging, no crafting.....just vegetating and mourning the end of summer.

So I'm back, and I'll try to check in all week. I promise. As long as you don't tell my mom that the dust in the house is two inches deep....

(BTW - I tried to find a cute clipart jpg of a mom shaking her finger? The number of perv sites that come up around the word 'mom' is mind-numbing.....)

Mad Lulu

OK. So the appliances are fixed, for the time being - but they could turn on us again at any moment. I don't get it! It's not like I overwork them or anything......especially the oven.

This post was supposed to be about Woodstock. But that's so last.....Sunday.

And then it was supposed to be about the two great awards that I got - one from Diane and one from Green-Eyed Momster. Diane's award is a Super Comments Award, and GEM's award is Your Blog Rocks my Face Off!. And I so appreciate these awards, but as I've said before, I'm still technically challenged - although I'm getting better! - and do you think I can get the awards onto my blog? Oh hell no. Or heck no, if you're still observing your "I'm going to clean up my language" New Year's resolution. Me, I'm living in a 'resolution-free' zone.

But as usual, I digress.

This post is about a cool hipster site on AMC TV to MadMen your deck self. If you're a fan of the show, you'll like this. And even if you're not, it will waste a few minutes while you're waiting for the next act on AGT.

Here's me, doing a Mad Lulu presentation for work this week. Except I don't do advertising for the Huge. Or show pictures of women in underwear. Although that would make the staff meetings soooo much more interesting - as it is, the men always complain when we want to talk about anything not work-related. It's all "Mathity-math graph ical..mumble blah results. ...yadda...plan....compile the profiteese pipeline havarti cheese." And we just want to talk shoes, really.

It's all about the shoes. And the havarti cheese, sometimes.

The Appliances are Fighting Back

The refrigerator refuses to fridge OR re-fridge and the freezer refuses to freeze. (Why does the REfridgerator have to re-. Why isn't it just the frigerator? Isn't the food cool to begin with, giving it a chance to spoil and poison me, and that's why you have to put it into the fridge? Why does the right side have to keep REdoing what it does, while the left side just does it once and maintains?)

Either way, the friggin' box isn't cooling or freezing. For a while there, it was a bit schizo, with the freezer thawing and the fridge freezing. But now, it's just decided to crap out altogether.

And do you think that we can find the stupid receipt for the extended warranty? Of course not. The ONE TIME that we do purchase the extended warranty, we cannot find it.

I have grocery receipts for 2001. I have tax records going back 10 years, 3 years over the recommended saving limit, I have 20-year-old counted cross-stitch patterns, I have my husband's old high school yearbooks AND his shotglass from his college fraternity (I Felta Thigh, I think it was called). I have my third-grade report card, my daughter's third-grade Mother's Day macaroni necklace, 12 separate sets of mortgage refinancing documents, notes from high school BFFs, copies of checks going back to 1994, my size 2 pants from the 30 seconds that I fit into them back in 2002.

I have receipts for 5 separate toasters, none of which I still have. I might even still have the top from my wedding cake, 24 years later. In fact, with the amount of stuff I have saved, I almost qualify for my own TLC show on hoarding.

But no warranty receipt for the now-non-refrigerator.

Mr. Lulu is downstairs, alternately swearing at the phone where he's been on hold and ignore for the last 15 minutes with a major U.S. appliance company whose big shiny box is currently NOT bringing any good things to life in our kitchen except for the giant ants behind it (yup, we're having a late summer insect infestion as the topper to our day) and trying to vacuum behind the nonrefrigerator.

Me? I ran upstairs to blog about it, of course.

Going back to school.....

I can't believe that it's time for school to start! Of course, we have year-round schools here, so the traditional start of the school year is very complex around my neighborhood. Still, everyone seems to be starting next week - sheesh! When I was growing up, we didn't start until Labor Day and although I complained with the best of them, I was always ready to go back.

New books, new school clothes, new boyfriends, football season, fall colors......what's not to love?

But still....

Memorial Day - and my LuluandmyfriendTeri trip was just yesterday....wasn't it? And what happened to Independence Day? I haven't gotten into bikini shape....ok, two-piece bathing suit sh-....ummmmm.....swimsuit..

Aw hell.

I've got no shape. What happened to all those spring workouts that were going to give me the taut arms? (actually, I know - I stopped at my neighbor's house Sunday and apparently she got all the workouts in - shoot. And I like her, so I can't hate on her because she's got great arms, she's all nice and what have you.....siggghhhh. Where was I? Oh yeah....time getting away from me. HElloo....irony knocking....ANYWAY!)

The real point of my post?

Going back to school time makes me think about all the angsty, greasy, twitchedy, hormoney high school years. I'm feeling your pain, parents of teenagers!!!

But here's my confession. I liked my kids' teenager years. I really enjoy the teenagers in the neighborhood - and NOT in a creepy way, shut up. I like to talk to them and find out what's new in their world, the latest texting stats, who's zooming who, and counting how many times someone can use the word 'like' in one sentence - because it's like, you know, I was really like so, it was like really cool when we talked about music and like I was like you know so like I was all clappy and stuff.

Clappy. I 'best-practiced' that word from Miss Y. Corporate geeks - you know what that means!

So I'm off to the Huge tomorrow - see you Thursday!

Oh and btdubs - although I took the AGT video section away, it doesn't mean that you're absolved from watching the show - there will like, be a quiz, like...sometime. Whatever. Peace out.

Must.....drink.....

...water, of course...

It's 99 degrees here today, with 110 degree heat index. Which apparently means that you need to time your egg-frying-on-the-sidewalk according to a bit stronger heat, because it feels like 110. Not 99. Because they're so different.

Right.

All I know is that I was sure happy that I took a shower and put on lotion before I went to the 5:00 pm baseball game! Let me just say that it was hard to be all clappy for the boys with the bats when I was sliding out of my seat, with all that nice lotion sweating off me. And surrounded by folks who decided to forego the shower. And the deodorant.

But hey! Here's something that will cool you off nicely! Head over to The Fifty Factor - yay!!! A Giveaway! Free Stuff! No sweating, no clunker exchange, no refinancing needed!!

My blog hipster friend Joanna has hit 100 posts and she's gifting US!

Now for that - I can be clappy and throw out a few sweaty OTTs. Go Jo!

Sad Tears, Happy Tears and PHLEGM

Hi. HI! HIHIHIHIHIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

I'm back! I had to fly Mom home, and then turned around and jumped on another plane to travel for Monday/Tuesday, had a work dinner last night and I'm FINALLY back!

I'm bezhausted, but I'm here.

So. The post below has been sitting in my draft file since last Saturday. I couldn't finish it originally because I was crying so hard that my contacts got all cloudy and my nose was running onto the keyboard and I hate phlegm. In fact, I hate the word phlegm. PHlegm. Flemm. Flemmmm. Ick. Even the word sounds icky. Yikes, when people hawk up something from their lungs that sounds like it's been there for 20 years....wait, wait. Wrong post. Anyway. Lulu digressing again, to keep from crying.

I don't usually write posts this long, but even after letting this one sit for a while, I still want to put it out there. You'll see why....

So I just got back from flying Mom home after her week with us, and I'm feeling pretty blue. At this point, I never know if she'll make it back another time, and I hate those goodbyes. We had a very nice week, even though she still has that momadar - you know, that radar that makes her ears quiver, I swear! - when she knows that I'm trying to hide something from her. So every time I tried to slip away and blog, she would come upstairs to see what I was doing and hello! - she still reads just fine. So I had to shut down for a bit. I didn't want her to think that I was writing about her, c'mon. ILMMIKS86GOMB.

And after a day or two - I just focused on her and our time together anyway. It was interesting to see how my world slowed down a bit as I postponed blogging and crafting and watching reality TV for a week, just to be with her. And it was good for both of us. We mostly hung out at home, just talking....I was even finding old pictures for her to view, hoping that the pictures and places would tease out stories, even if I've heard them before. Several times. :) But you know, I'll be even more sad when I can't hear her voice anymore....

We shopped, had mani-pedis, did lunch, had dinner with some old friends, shopped, hung out, and shopped. And we did make her watch AGT, although 'make' would be a strong word. It's not like I tied her to the couch or anything - she's tiny enough to slip the ropes :), but she got right into the spirit of it anyway.

I think she finally relaxed by the end of the week. Which is why I hate thinking of her alone again at home.

She was a bit nervous when she got here, and it irritated me at first - she steps aside for everyone as we walk through the airport or the mall, she apologizes for everything, even when there is nothing that she's done to warrant blame. She's always been so feisty and tough - most people would describe her as a firecracker, full of energy. I hate to see her subvert that part of her personality.

The problem is that there are people in her life, that want her to damp down her personality, to make her be quiet, to stop working and stop trying to please people, to stop trying to take care of everyone. People that seem to take pleasure in being mean to her, deliberately mean, just because they can, because she's more vulnerable now as it's harder for her to hear, and maybe she repeats herself more often than they would like. She can't really fight back against their harsh words, because she thinks if she were just different or better, maybe they wouldn't be mad at her.

And I know that no one's perfect - my mom would not describe herself as the perfect June Cleaver mom by any means. If she'd been born in a different place and time, she might have pursued different challenges in life - I could definitely see her as a CEO! But she was - and still defines herself as a teacher, even at her age, and that's important to her. She's done the best she can to be a mom, a wife, a teacher, a sibling, a friend, based on her experiences and talent and strengths and with how she was raised - just like everyone else in life!

I watch her, watching me talk, or watching the manicurist or the salesperson or the TSA at the airport - and every day, she's trying to reassimilate into a world that's increasingly bewildering and harder to comprehend, and she's doing a pretty damn good job.

But as I write this, the tears are flowing because I can't keep her safe from those who will hurt her, as of course! - those hurtful words aren't said in front of me, and she doesn't want me to take them on because it will make matters worse.

Here's my warning to them, not that they'll find me here, but still.

Step back from the Mom. Hear me? Let me repeat myself. Just step away, leave her alone and nobody gets hurt. If I hear of one more word, one more exasperated sigh, one more mean-spirited comment - I will cut loose on you. You will be very very sorry. I know things about you, things that you do not want to get out. You will regret it.

OK. Got it out. Thanks for listening.

Now on to the happy tears - my niece delivered the twins....and they ARRRRREEEE.....boys. Yup, two good-sized boys. So no one was baby psychic except W, who said that each one would be a baby. YAYYYYYYYYY!!! Happy Dance, OTT, Woo HOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Hey. Did I mention that I'm back?

My Mom Is Getting Shorter

So I picked Mom up on Friday for a week of Grandma Summer Camp here in NC.  And she's getting shorter, as if she wasn't already qualified to be the grandma on a TLC show.

Also, I have a new Travel Rule based on the six flights in three days that I completed on Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

So much to post - pay attention!

First - Mom.  She'll be here allllllllll week.  Yep.  I get to spend 9 days with her, all 4'9" of her spunky, over 85-yr-old self (she won't let me publish her age :)).   Lots of stories to come, most of which I've heard.  And heard, and heard and did I tell you that already, Honey?

*CAVEAT to the Karma peeps:  I love my mom, I'm very extremely lucky that I still have her, and that she is in pretty good shape both physically and mentally - lives alone! - and really happy to have the opportunity for GSC.  So whatever I post about any 'fun' or 'issues' or 'humor' this week - just remember that, ok?  Don't send me posts trying to make me feel guilty that I intend to mine some humor here, right people?

Thanks.  Just in case you forget - I'll post a little acronym at times - ILMMIKS86GOMB.  ( I love my mom I know she's 86 get off my back).  Right.  Ok.  Back to the movie.

Anyway - she started out life at about 5'2" and I think she's down to about 4'9."  I have to go measure.   But she's napping on the couch, after we had a slight tiff about her nutritional habits.  Yes, I'm arguing with her about her eating - she only wants the "smallest, teeniest, little half-bowl of soup for lunch.  With a few crackers.  That's all, honey - I'm so full from breakfast."

Actually, she did have breakfast.  And a handful of crackers.  And some chocolate.  And a few cookies.  And some hummus.  And some more crackers.  And some pretzels stuffed with cheese product.  And another half cookie.  And one grape (because I bugged her to have fruit).

Washed down with some iced tea.

All of which raised her blood sugar quickly, and then caused her to fall asleep on the couch.  After which, she'll wake up, and we'll start the argument around dinner - because she'll only want the smallest, teeniest bite of meat, and two spoonfuls of maybe some applesauce.

But then she and Mr. Lulu will be snackin' away on the couch after dinner........

Why?  Why?  Other people have moms who start an entirely new business at age 75 and leave their kids a gozillion bucks.  Mine - is channeling a skinny teenager who thinks she's too fat but will eat junk food.  Didn't I already go through this with two daughters???  What's next - diet pills??  If she eats any less or loses any more weight this week, I'll be able to cash in that return plane ticket and have her sit on my lap.

Hmmm.....Mom, did I mention that those grapes have extra fat in them??

ILMMIKS86GOMB.

Deep breath in, hold it hold it.......annnnnnnd....let it out.  Wooooosaaaaaa.

So - a new travel rule.  Change of topic.

Again - the theme is Be Curious....

Mr. Traveler?  When you use the back of the airplane seat to leverage yourself in and out of your seat and then you lean on it sooo heavily, and let it go, be curious about the type of x-rays that will be needed to diagnose whiplash for the person sitting in that seat as their head boings around.

I'm not saying, I'm just saying......

More Giveaway Winners!!!

Hey there - all you wonderful fives and eights!!  

Time to give away free subscriptions to MORE Magazine!!

Guess what?  EVERYone who joined the giveaway fun wins!!  Six free subscriptions go out to Wendi, Diane, FlyingPinto, Insanity Kim, Little Ms Blogger and Sandi from LuckyThirteenandCounting because CraezieLady nominated her.

You all rock!  See my info?  Over there, on the right?  That's where you need to go - immediately - find my email address and send me your names and addresses so I can get your digits to the awesome Aziza, my More contact.

Woot!  OTT!  FAAAAAAAB yew lusssssss!!

Enjoy - Lu

NC Triangle Street Etsy Team

Hey - I snagged an Etsy Treasury for my NC Triangle team - check it out!

For those of you not as familiar with Etsy - you need to sit, staring at your screen, hands hovering over your keyboard, for an opening in the list of Treasuries to clear.....trembling hands, waiting, waiting...YES!  There's the box, saying, "List your title here..,"  and I swear - I'm either too competitive or have had too much coffee (both far too likely) but I'm as excited as if I'd won the Tour de France.

:)

Only without the physical, sweaty, mountain-climbing, dangerous political bike riding stuff.

More Giveaway

Ummm.  Ok.  I'm going to assume that everyone is on vacation or just only blogging to themselves or just not READING!! 

Did I mention FREE?

more More MORE Giveaway!!!

Woo Hooooooooo!!!!  Niiiiiiiiiiiiice..SuWEET!.  Score, babee!!!  Booo YAH!

O.T.T. (clap) O.T.T. (clap) O.T.T. (clap) Optional Toe Touch!!

No, I didn't sell out the store, but I did score.  Well, you, my lovely fives and tens - you have scored.  Because the peeps over at More magazine  have given me the opportunity to give away 5 free subscriptions to the magazine.

And I know that it seems a bit strange that a blogster like me would push a paper reading thing to online friends...but they have a website too!

And really sometimes, you just need to tote the magazine along to have something cool to read while on the run.  Like, to the beach or on the plane or waiting in line for your kids to come out of school or instead of TV or while you're having a colonoscopy or waiting for your plastic surgery to dry or something.

Seriously, I am a bit of a magazine junky, but I do love this magazine.  I've read my way through many other women's magazines over the years, but this has some staying power, for women of all ages, but especially for the over 40 crew.  And of course, 40 is the new 30, so see - all ages.

Check it out - go here to cruise their website.  Or just take my word for it.

Either way, post up here, and let me know if you want a FREE subscription.  Or if you want it to go to someone else!  See what a giver I am?  Or they are or we are, or something.

That's all you have to do.  Just post a comment, and tell me you totally want it.  In a week (to be exact, next week on Tuesday, during AGT, I will pick out five names. let you know how to get your info to me and that's it.

OTT!!

Flirty Girls

Yup...time to plug the store a bit.  Mr. Lulu is threatening to blockade the crafty wagon train when it makes another delivery.  ( I still contend that the additional buttons last week were a NEED and not a WANT, but ok, yeah, the mortgage and insurance and payments and whatnot are important too, I suppose.)

So I need to sell a few of these little beauties once in a while to feed the crafty pig.

That's the piggy bank, right?  Not talking about Mr. Lulu. ;) 

Check me out in the etsy store - yup, over there, on the right.  Tell your friends and family!  Send them my way!  Always a family discount for my decksters and bloglackers.

I've just posted a slew of button art cards.  They are the size of a playing card, with paints, inks and pieces of sewing patterns.  There are vintage '60's images on the front of each card, along with buttons that are hand-sewn.  The back has fabric and more flirty, fashiony images.  

So yeah.  Please stop by.  Thank you for your patronage.

Hey B's - I'm back!

Yoiks.....it was a really really looooong week at the Huge HQ.  Mix a group of corporate employees with non-U.S. CEOs and CFOs and C-Schmoes with a slurp of mandatory training issues seasoned with cafeteria food, surrounded by early wake-up calls and late night dinners....it was NOT the beach.

And I didn't have the energy to get online at midnight and fight the IT barbed wires to throw some comments over the firewall....so I slacked.  Yes, Slacker be my name.

Or would it be Bloglacker?

Whatever.

And so much went on while I was gone!  It's like that scene in 'Pretty Woman'  when Kit is trying to tell Vivian why it took her so long to get over to the Beverly Hills Wiltshire hotel - you know, "Skinny Marie got cut up and we had to go see her in the hospital, and Jimmy got in a fight and someone tried to work my star on the Walk of Fame...."

Only in the blog world, You Mama won a cool giveaway, but also gave away some birth control gum, and AmyKate poked a hole in the pool but the garden's coming along, and Joanna's been hanging out with her BFF and omg - Libby's adopted a baby girl!!

So at least - they kept the blog world spinning.

I came home and some of MY BFFs were here, on their way further down the coast for a beach vacation next week.  MyfriendsJenGuyBeazerLou - yeah.  They rock.  The time together was short but sweet - have fun myfriends!

And last....to Facebook and Twitter or not to....to horribly misquote Shakespeare.  That is the question.  Discuss amongst the comments.

Of course, please check out Grandma Lee!

Happy Summer Vacation!

....to everyone else.  whine whine even though I already had my thelmaandlouise trip with myfriendTeri and a week with wonder grandson....whine whine woe is me.

There's something about Independence Day that makes me want to be back in school again just so that I can be out of school for summer vacation.

Unfortunately, I have to travel all week for work, so I have to leave later today on a flight on a holiday weekend.  again with the whining.  

Oh well.  My good friends will be here at the end of the week for a short visit and I will wring every bit o' fun and goodness from them.

And I have AGT to look forward to, and that should help me through the week as well.  Please note this week's video - this girl's voice is incredible.  I defy you not to get a little goosebumply.

So also see the new more More MORE link on the roll over there to the right - hopefully it will spark some watercooler talk for you this week.  It concerns an article titled Women Aren’t Getting Their Fair Share of the Stimulus Package by Dr. Susan Love.  

Have a great week y'all!  Hopefully I can get to everyone's blog and post up a bit - depends on the connectivity in the hotel....

AGT is BACK!!!

SQUEAL!  SQUEAL!  Excited jumping up and down, arms akimbo ( why aren't legs ever 'akimbo?'  Or abdomens.  Or ears.  You never hear someone say, "OMG, I was jumping around, ears all akimbo!!"  Except the President.  Of course, you rarely see anyone texting 'akimbo' either.  What would be the text equivalent?  Must Bingle this.  {combo of bing and google} ).  But - on with the show.  I mean post.

So YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  The return of "America's Got Talent!"  I luuuvvvvvvvvvv this show. Love.it.  I'm as excited as a menopausal woman when she hits an unexpected pocket of air conditioning while walking down the strip mall to get to the nail salon.   

As I've said before, it's the big block of Velveeta cheezie goodness show......cheezie, hokie and cringe-worthy, with little dancing girls and big singing palookas and would-be magicians, violinists, and nubian beauties doing bohemian African dances, a yodeling dominatrix and a guy who eats light bulbs.  It completely improves my addytude.

How could you ever miss this?  Yeah, American Idol has the fans and music and stuff - but do they have a 62-year-old tap dancing grocery store clerk?

Or the chicken chaser guy from down south -

When you see him standing on that stage, and you can tell that he genuinely feels talented, and he's nervous but ohhhh...so hopeful.  The naked yearning, the vulnerability that shows up on his face when the audience goes quiet - you can almost see him thinking - "Don't let me choke out here - please god, let me make the family and neighbors in Little Poke Tree, Arkansas (pop. 256) proud!  Please let me do well enough that even if this is it, this is all I get, that I can hold my head up when I slink back home.  I've had this dream for my moment - any moment in the spotlight - for so long.... if it goes bad, I won't even have the dream left..."

And the producers know - they KNOW how to get me, with their side stories and back stories and sad/proud/bad stories, oh yes, they work me every which way from Sunday until I'm just an emotional wreck at the end.  But proud - SO proud, to be in an America with such talent.

I cry, I play the drinking game - you know, the one where you have to drink every time 'The Hoff' says "You are what this show is all aBOUUUUUUUT!!" - I laugh, I cringe, I boo.

And then I do it all again the next night.

Seriously, the best escape from summer corporate life EVER.

Warning - I will continue to post video and comments until this season is done.  If you're not a fan or not that interested, you can just sit your unAmerican butt over there - there in the corner with the cynical 'Law and Order' rerun watchers.   Talk amongst yourselves until the fall - or until there's a winner of Season 4, America's Got Talent.

Sunday Earworms

I saw Jersey Boys last night.  Yeah, I know that I'm like three years past the really cool hipsters who saw this when it first came out on Broadway but hey - I don't live there and I didn't have connections to get tickets anyway because the waiting list was really really long so I had to wait until the show hit the road BUT ANYWAY - it's a seriously good rockin' show for decksters of all ages.  

And thank god - the music from last night finally drove the MJ 'Billy Jean' earworm out of my head and now it's filled with 'Sherri Baby' and 'Walk like a Man.'  

Except last night, I woke up at 4 am with a confused earworm mixture of 'Who loves you when you walk like a Thriller, Billy Baby even though you're not my lover.'

So I'm going to download the cast album from iTunes today.

It's interesting to compare the lives of Michael Jackson and Frankie Valli - they're both filled with talent and sadness and surely, MJ is far better known globally; however, the work ethic and loyalty of Frankie Valli outweighs the weirdness factor of Michael Jackson's life.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

It is such a gorgeous morning, that as soon as I finish blogging and watching "Varsity Blues" on TNT for the 30th time, (good gosh amighty allFriday - because like those chick movies that I have to watch every time they show up, there are some boy movies that I also have to watch when I pick them up while channel cruising.  Like 'Men in Black,' and 'Superbad.') I'm going to hang out on my screen porch with the curtains blowing and the vintage glider rocking, reading and crafting.

And if that makes me sound like Grandma, so be it.  Grandmas can be hip and fun too.

Enjoy your weekend!

Wow...The Deaths of Two Unique American Icons

Holy crap.

Wait - that was the last post.  BTW - all was fine, slept through the whole thing, no pain, no problem.

But gaaaaahhhh!!!  Drama intended - two icons of my teenage / young adult years dying on the same day!  I really really feel old.

There wasn't a girl my age who didn't want - and try for - Farrah Fawcett hair, and there wasn't a guy at or around my age who didn't have her classic poster in his dorm room or bedroom.

When I babysat - the girls all wanted to be Jill Munroe when they played Charlie's Angels.  Seriously - Kate and Jacqueline just faded into the background....

And Michael Jackson - good god.  Seriously.  Who didn't buy "Thriller" and who couldn't still sing all the words?  I taught aerobics in the big hair-shiny leotard-leg warmer days, and we used all of his music.

Despite any tarnishing of either of these stars later in life - both of them represent really unique points in my life and for people in and around my age - we're feeling what our older brothers and sisters felt when John Lennon died.

Tripping so Lyetly through the Evening

I remember.  

I remember what colonnos meant, on my blog list.  And not brown nose, like W said.

It means - my colonoscopy, scheduled for tomorrow.  Nothing wrong, just screening.

But ummmm....it's just not fun.  In fact, it's crappy.  HAHAHAHAH.  HAAHAHA.  Haha.

Ha.  ha.  

Yeah, pun intended.  And I know it's a crappy pun.  HAha- there I go again.

Not that medical procedures are supposed to be fun.

But let me tell you - I would take a 10-minute mammogram over the colonnos any day.

(Full disclosure - I was a mammography technologist in a previous life.  Yeah - that woman).

Still - the not eating and the prepping and the drinking of the Halflytely stuff (and there's nothing halfway about it - I'm holding onto my head by the ears, to make sure that doesn't come through too!) and being hungry...and I'm not even to the procedure yet - as far as screening exams go - yeah, the mammogram, in a heartbeat.

So colonnos Part 2 tomorrow...I'm off to the little chamber room.  The little stinky chamber room.

Blog past forgetti colonnos alzh image

Image

Glog

forgetti

colonnos

alzh

beeechuys

This is the list of blog posts that I'll be writing soon.

I don't know what any of the words mean.  

So it might take me a while.

As I fell asleep while 'reading' to WonderBoy over the past 10 ten days and nights, (I told him that Lulu can SO read with the book stuck on her nose!) great blog posts and stories swirled around in my head.  I mean - I was on fire with the ideas!  So I left some paper and a pen on my nightstand to make sure that I captured them all.

I just found it - the list - under the forgotten bowl of cheerios on the screened porch.  Which had been rained on - but the ants still found it - the cheerios and milk, I mean.  And the ants started calling in their ant friends for a rave.  Or a twitter.  Whichever.  Whatever deck ants are doing these days.  I shut the door and let them have at it.  Teen ants deserve a summer break too.

But to the point....

The ink ran a bit, but the list is still readable - if I spoke Frenish.  Or Germish.

But now I'm really afraid that I'm forgetting stuff because I read a book on early-onset Alzheimer's disease on the flight back from the MyFriendTeri and Lulu trip and I'm sure that I have it.

(caveat.  Not making fun of anyone with this disease.  My father-in-law - and our family by osmosis - suffered from it for 5 years before he died).

I'm always sure that I have the worst disease or ailment no matter the symptom, which I can really really freak out with because my first job was in healthcare and I know all the big words and symptoms and stuff.  So I don't have a headache, it's an arteriovenous malformation.   It's not gas, my gallbladder is about to blow.  It's not a stomach ache, it's my appendix.  (Oh wait, that did happen.  Another story - hey!!  I'll add it to the list!)

So of course, I'm forgetting what I wrote down at 2 am after going Mach 3 with a four-year-old all day?  Yeah, it's......what is it again?  The forgetti disease.

Forgetti disease!  That's on the list, right?

Live Your Life with Arms Wide Open

This is why I've been a non-blogger for the past week - spending time at the beach with WonderBoy.  My house is sooooo quiet without him, especially after 10 days of laughter and fun and toots and burps and movies and surfing and sand and the pool and naps and Hot Wheels and endless games of Candyland.

How do four-year-olds learn to cheat at games?  

Off to check out my blogsters!

New Post Below

Yes - see it below.  Even though it says that I posted it Monday, in the interest of full disclosure, I've been working on it since Monday but posted it this morning when I couldn't sleep and had to start working already and now I've been bouncing back and forth between my work laptop and home PC........and I haven't even had any coffee yet!

Parachutes, Conversation, Life Jackets - and maybe Some Boots

I saw a news clip video on NBC earlier this week, with snippets of various commencement speakers interspersed with comments from graduates, and while I think that it's a great honor when the President, Elie Wiesel, Ellen DeGeneres or Kermit speaks at your college graduation, I believe that an untapped speaker source is being overlooked.  For real words of wisdom - there should be more four-year-old speakers at commencement.

Four-year-old wisdom is the best - it's simple, straightforward, heartfelt and honest. 

Super-grandson always gives it to me straight.  "Stay put, and no touching my hot wheels, and you will be very very good.  And then you can have a mini-drumstick as a good surprise, ok?" "Monster spray to keep out the bad guys does NOT last for six months - you have to use it every night."  "Eat vegetables or your brain will melt."

So his latest nugget is the following:  when in a touchy situation - say, when you're flying around in a gummy jet piece of candy and you find yourself accidentally eaten, (his scenario not mine, but hey, it could happen) there are three things that will help you out-  "Parachutes, conversation and life jackets.  Because the parachute will help you float into the green stuff in the stomach, and then when the parachute gets wet as you sink, you have the life jacket to help you float again.  And sometimes you need boots.  You know - to keep your feet dry and all."  

So - what's the conversation for?

"Oh - oh yeah.  Because you just need to be nice and tell someone how to get around in the stomach.  And they will help you.  Because really you should be nice to everyone no matter if they're different and they'll be nice back."

How great is that advice?  All said so earnestly and sweetly....

And it occurred to me - as I pass my 128th post - that you fives and tens and sometimes twenties! of readers and commenters and deck hip blogsters - you are all my parachutes and my life jackets.  You help me float into the icky green stuff, you act as my life jackets as I bob around in it for a while, and sometimes, you even act as my boots - either to ground me or keep my feet dry, whatever works.

Plus your conversations!  - letting me know how to get around in the big bloggy stomach and being nice to me.  Or giving me crap, which is really being nice to me.  In a way.  

And you're all very different.  Which is the most important point of this post - see!  You knew I'd have a point eventually, so you stuck around!

I started this blog to get some peeps for my etsy store and then I found - and keep finding - so many different writers and actually getting distracted from the store - oooooo shiny blogs......must read....must comment.....what store? 

I digress.

But I like the fact that I don't have a typical blog to follow - you're all very cool with many different points of view and lots of ways to swear.  Some of you post every day and others....not so much.  You write with unique voices, about a thousand topics and every day, you inspire me.

Or you just let me escape from daily life and make me laugh so hard I blow coffee out of my nose.  Whatever.  It works.  Don't laugh at me.

So 128 thanks to all of you!  Thanks to Mom O Matic, and Yo Mama (and her renters) and What Were You Thinking?!!  Just when I'm Cooking Blind, and thinking You've Got to be Kidding Me, I find The Fifty Factors and remember Libby Logic.  Don't forget WendiWinn and Green-Eyed Momster - they bust me constantly.  Susie Scott and Heart of a Cowgirl and Deb Trotter and Sweet Pea help me get artsy, Married Geeks throw some Bananas and Toddlers into the Little House on the Quarry and get me to A Parent's Life to Behold, through the Eyes of Insanity and Bliss.  The Flying Pinto keeps me up in the air, and Kids and Daquiris keeps me laughing.   Angie and Amber - you were two of my originals so I have to send a special thanks, even if life is keeping you too busy to post.

Here's to finding new bloggy friends - cheers!

Dave Matthews is a Prophet

....or so my daughter says.

I laugh every time I remember this - she said it to my husband oh-so-earnestly when she was just out of college.

"You know, Dad.......Dave Matthews is a prophet."  And we're not particularly religious, so she meant it in that very specific, righteous way that only college graduates - who know everything of course! - can mean.  "He speaks the truth.....he just, he knoooows, you know what I mean?  And it's like - he just speaks to me and to my friends.  He's just so, you know, like so - he can tell the future and we need to listen to him."

How fortunate for us, that the prophet is on the Today Show this morning....

Are you baby psychic?

So my niece is having twins, in (hopefully) about 8 weeks, which will take her to full-term.  She's a little bitty thing and although I haven't seen her yet (this weekend there will be a viewing) my sister says that when she sits down, they form a little chin rest for her, because they're sitting right up there.

Mom and Dad have chosen not to know the gender of the little kiddles until they're born so my question is - are you baby-psychic?  Do you always predict the gender of yourself/your sister's kids/your friend's or neighbor's or colleague's kids?   And do you think that you're always correct?

Because I'm always wrong.  

So give me your guesses - show off your psychic chops!

Aunt Lulu

Vacation is OOOooover.....

Whine.  Whine.  winewine.  Whine.

Vacation roadtrip is over, I've said tearful goodbyes to MFT, and it's back to work tomorrow.

Big, fat heavy siiiiigggghhhhhh.  Woe is me, poor me, waa waaa waaaaa - HAVING to go back to work, when many many people would be happy to have a job to whine about in a blog post.

But it just feels like the last night of Christmas break.  Not the last night of summer vacation, because I was always ready to go to school in the fall (new clothes, new boyfriend, football season etc) but the night before Christmas break is over always had the most awful icky feeling.

However - the day is sunny, I'm with my honey, and my blog friends are funny.  Also, we have a baseball game to attend (yum, hot dogs and beer) and I think I hear the ice cream truck outside!

PS.  I know that I promised lots of blog posts and pictures of MFT and I, but I find that I'm reluctant to put it all out there for public viewing.  Our funny moments and our picture moments and our really really great friend moments - there's a reason that we didn't make this an all-friend trip, and it was so we didn't have to care about anyone else except what we wanted to do and drink and eat and discuss and view.  The pictures are funny too.  But I just don't want to share.....I'm sorry!

Here are some pictures of the scenery along the way as a consolation prize....  

And I realize that this is why I'll never reach super-blogger status and will always need to be very creative in my writing to keep  my fives and tens interested....but I just can't divulge all the Lulu secrets.  Maybe someday, when I'm not working at the Huge....

Thanks for hanging with me anyway.  I hope.

The Largest Ball of Twine Tree

MFT and I are on the hunt here on the West Coast - and not for shoes or jewelry or fun/drinks/beautiful scenery/fab B&Bs/deckster drinks and oysters. Even though we did find all of those things and more, such as hipster pinwheel headbands in honor of Memorial Day.


No, we are searching for that one tourist stop, the perfect roadside stand or statue or icon that will really define our quest for the perfect MFT and Lulu trip experience. Like the biggest ball of twine. Or the largest frying pan. Maybe Paul Bunyan, Babe the Blue Ox, this troll or Alligator Man. You know - those attractions that were like magnets to us as kids on our endless summer vacation roadtrips, wistfully watching them whiz by the car window as we sat in 'the wayback' seat of the station wagon- because of course, Dad would never stop for the really cool stuff....(not sure how all that alliteration willfully got whacked in there....but you get my point). Something that we could pose beside, giddily clicking snapshots to capture the moment!!!

So imagine our excitement when we saw that the world's largest ALBINO REDWOOD TREE is located in Big Sur!!! And yes, we know that technically it would be a whitewood tree but so what? A bona fide roadside attraction, just where we were staying for the weekend - huzzah!!

We stopped in the little store attached to the resort for directions to get to the world's largest albino redwood tree, although, we scoffed a bit at our own question - surely this attraction should be easily recognizable! After all, the logo for the resort has a large white redwood-shaped tree carved into the sign swinging outside the store. One would have to assume....

So we walked down the stairs behind the store that lead downhill to the resort campground. Hearts beating in anticipation, we looked at the campers all around, in their tents and their campers and their campfires and campchairs (we were in Campville, as opposed to Whoville) and wondered why they weren't hand in hand, dancing around the mighty Albino, doing a campville polka? Where in fact, WAS the ART???

Oh, there's a sign! The ART, the ART!!!

Silence.

More silence.

Silent staring.

At......a stump. A redwood stump. Granted, a large stump, but a stump, nonetheless. MFT and I turned to look at each other - she said, "I don't get it" and I said, "Does that lady in the store realize that the campers here in campville have a big Albino redwood campFIRE going???"

Ok - the stump isn't really the albino part - it's the host of this party. Apparently, albino redwoods live off the roots of other redwoods, and it really just looks like a big shrub. A big white and brown shrubby bushy tree.

We were completely disappointed and letdown. It's as if the largest frying pan turned out to be a small, used cottage cheese container that was a bit melty from the dishwasher.

Maybe Dad knew something after all.....

Come Again, Part Two

At the beachside nail salon:
MFT: More men should get pedicures - it would make their shoes fit better!
Lulu: Mormons should get more pedicures?

At the swanky beachside seafood restaurant:
MFT: Oooo, that last swallow...(of wine) I can really taste the honey.
Lulu: That's why I don't like onions.
MFT: ***??
Lulu: You can really taste the oniony sauce? Didn't you just gargle that wine to get the onion taste out of your mouth? Isn't that what you said?
MFT: Yes, that wine DID have a fine oniony finish.

Come Again??

So - it's Sunday, and I finally have internet access to post up a bit about the roadtrip. MFT (MyfriendTeri, for the last time) has graciously agreed to be a guest blogger for the rest of the week, so stay tuned for her words of wisdom. Which will be funnier if we've had some adult bevvies.

Our friendship works because we find ourselves endlessly amusing.

We were in Big Sur for a few days, did a drive-through on Pebble Beach and now we're doing the holiday weekend tourist shuffle in Monterey with many many tourists. We take our act on the road again next week, appearing for a day or so in Carmel, and then heading back north for the end of the week. T-shirts in the lobby! Oops. Wrong show. Although we did see some hipsters in Big Sur who were old enough to have been roadies for Jim Morrison .....but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Gorgeous scenery, great food, interesting people, pictures to come in the next few days so you can see for yourselves. All is good.

Except that we seem to be having some hearing issues.

It started with a trip to the mall for some clothing staples (ok, I left my underoos in the dryer at home - I was trying to get in one last email for work, Mr. Lulu started yelling that we had to leave for the airport right NOW if I was going to get a seat inside the plane, I had to jump on my suitcase to close it and accidentally squished my glasses...you get the picture). So off to pick up some undies and maybe a light sweater and oh look! They have some scarves to help us cover our heads as the wind blows our hair back in our non-convertible!

Lulu: Oh, that scarf looks nice! You're draping it like it's a Muslim head covering though...
MFT: No, it's cotton.
Lulu: ????
MFT: The scarf. It's cotton.
Lulu: Okaaay... ???
MFT: Cotton. COTTON! It's not muslin.

(A few minutes, later, as we enter the grocery store)

Lulu: Damn, I forgot to get a cardigan at the last store! (insert Midwest twang here)
MFT: Again? Well, they have cards here.

(As we're trying to get out the door and on the road to Big Sur)
MFT: Do you have the time?
Lulu: No, I'm fine.

(As we're driving)
Lulu: Do you need some chapstick?
MFT: Yeah, do you have any handy?
Lulu: No, not candy - chapstick. Do you need some?
MFT: ***

Oh, well, maybe some more champagne and Fran's chocolates will help.

Patriotic pictures tomorrow and MFT says hi! (She's too busy working the numbers on her sleepnumber bed to blog tonight - maybe tomorrow.)

ROAD TRIP!!!!!!! And FREE WIFI ON SOUTHWEST FLIGHTS!!

AND YES I'M YELLING!!!!!

Because TODAY - is the start of the MyfriendTeri (Thelma) and Lulu (Louise) trip!!!!

I fly out today to hit the road to recreate a very famous movie and road trip. Missives and pictures to come from the road - I promise!

It will be exactly like the movie....

Only - we don't have a convertible - but the windows will be open!

And - neither of us is running away from anyone - but we're getting away!

There will be no assault - we're tough and scrappy!

Or any killings - except for limes for our adult bevvies!

Definitely no driving off the cliff - MyfriendTeri is a goooood driver.

There will be roadtrip snacks and music and magazines and cute shoes and sunglasses and work decompression and FUNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!

Stay tuned for detailed descriptions of our reindeer games!!!

UPDATE 3:21 PM ET

WOW - MY FIRST MISSIVE FROM THE ROOOOOOOAAAADDDDDDDD!!!

Yeah, I'm excited - I'm on a Southwest flight - Southwest Airlines rocks, btw, check out this post on theflyingpinto.com - and I hit the blogging jackpot because they're doing a trial run for Wi fi on this flight and it's free! How cool is that? I am sending all y'all my thoughts from the plane, somewhere over the U.S. OH - the captain just said that we're over Mississippi, with two hours to go. Alllrighty!

And all y'all?

Karma. Is a bitch. Remember this post? All about the travel rules? Guess who surrounded me at the gate and in the security line? Guess who jockeyed for position in the A-boarding pass line? Yes! All of my new travel buddies, none of whom have read the rules. Of course they're here - it's a holiday weekend. There is a woman on this flight who has already proudly proclaimed to everyone on the flight, that she hasn't flown in 20 years, where's the meal, where are the blankets, where's the movie?

The worst though? Guess who's sitting across the aisle from me??

Stinky farter guy. And he's in full form.

Dude. We know it's you. All 14 people in this 5-row block around you - did you not see our heads snap up and swivel towards you simultaneously like an inflight synchronized swim team? Oh if only we had their nose plugs about now...please, we beg you - spend some alone time in the restroom.

Gotta run - we have wifi but no power strips.

Lulu's Good Reads and Good Blogs and Good Stuff and More

Reading for me, is like breathing.  I have to read.  MUST read.  Cannot-go-a-day-without-the-printed-word - type of obsession. 

I will read anything.  The back of the cereal box, the newspaper from two days ago, an airline magazine, the directions for mixing cement.  According to family legend, I started reading at age 4 and haven't stopped.  When I was young, I would go to the library weekly and check out the maximum allowed of 7 books, and then would ride my Stingray bicycle with the deckster banana seat to the bookmobile and take out seven more, balanced in the little vinyl wicker basket on the front.  My car pulls into bookstores of its own accord. If I don't have a stack of books to be read, I'm cranky and nervous.  As I'm running in heels to catch a plane I will run through the airport bookstore. I'm usually reading at least two and sometimes three at a time- well.  You get the picture.

It's interesting that I'm also hooked on reality TV.  Not saying, just saying.

So.  There is a website called Goodreads and all you hipster readers should definitely check it out.  In the not so distant past, I was obsessed with this site, and logged on at every opportunity to pick up tips on what other people were reading, to list all of my books, to talk about what I had read, what I was going to read, my reviews of these books and so on and so on and then...and then.....I stopped.  Not sure why, although it may have had something to do with realizing that many of the goodreaders were more interested in using the site for social networking than for book clubbing.  There's nothing wrong with that, it just wasn't for me.  I want to talk booksbooksBOOKS.  Phew.  Too much Starbucks at Barnes and Noble.

Dear Goodreads - we needed a break.  It's not you, it's me.  You are deckster readable.  I'm not really breaking up with you, I'm just finding my reading self somewhere else (actually, the irony is that I'm now reading all your deckster blogs out there, my fives and tens, and kind of ummmm.....well...I guess...social networking.  Blush.)

And the Pleasantville Housewives monthly book club doesn't actually discuss the books.  The invites proudly state that "most of the time, we haven't read a word of the book, but c'mon over y'all to get away from the kids and have some wine!"  

THE POINT OF THIS POST - and I do have one, as it's so much more interesting for the reader when I do - is that I'm still reading a lot of books AND reading new blogs every day AND I'm also obsessed with magazines.   

So - the pictures are of my latest stacks (already read{glasses on top} and to be read{no glasses} and please ignore the dust).  

Check out these NEW BLOGS, as I think these women have interesting things to say -  The Fifty Factor and The Flying Pinto - new deckster blogs with a different point of view.  

And finally, please look over on the right there, in my sideroll of interesting things, where you'll see more More MORE - More Magazine items to review and discuss.  This time it's a discussion regarding lying about your age - good stuff in both the print magazine and the dot.com 

Whew.  I'm exhausted.  Off to lounge on the couch on a rainy day, sniffing my new books and watching the Red Wings.  That's another obsession, for another day.

Travel Rules

And that title doesn't have an exclamation point after it.  I'm not saying, "Travel RULES!!!"   I'm actually offering up some helpful observations and tips as we head into the traditional vacation season.  If you fly for work or fun this season, here are some road warrior handy hints (said with a bright shiny snarky talk show hostess smile and tone after just having gotten off a plane)......

Be curious!  When everyone is standing in a loooong line to check in at the airport and there are...oh...I don't know - eight open kiosks available with a big sign that says "Step up here to check your bags and get your boarding pass" - you might want to be curious and check it out! Seriously, I know that you may not have flown since 1970 and you're proclaiming loudly to your wife that you KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING and YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE GIRL CALLS US OVER and THOSE MACHINES ARE FOR COMPUTER PEOPLE but trust me, a curious nature will help in this situation!

This curiosity can carry over to the security line as well!  There are big signs posted telling you what to do and what to put into the bins and where you should line up.  Read and ask questions if you're not sure.  Also, when the TSA tells you to take your shoes and your belt off and put them in the bin, don't get mad and proclaim WHAT'S THE MATTER and WHAT - YOU THINK I'M A TERRORIST? and WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THAT - the TSAs do not care that you may not have done this before and that you are just a grandparent trying to get to your granddaughter's graduation and they WILL make you go through the strip search.

Ah yes.  The TSAs.  Their job is to make sure that we are all safe from those who would do us harm and for the most part, they are a professional lot.  HOWEVER - you there, Mr. Big Guy Couldn't Run Down the Donut Vendor Much Less a Terrorist..... - Seriously?  Why are you so deliberately brusque with that lady in the wheelchair who can't hear or walk very well??  Is this how you treat your parents or grandparents?  Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't find any stats where Aunt Bee hid explosives in her updo and took out a 747.  A little more kindness and a little less control freakiness would go a long way!

Next - a little fashion tip.  Pajamas, men's tank tops, Bill Clinton's running shorts - all Glamour Don'ts.  I beg you - don't.  And as you never know how long you might be delayed on the plane, please don't forget to shower before you leave home - think of the person squashed into the seat next to you for four stinky hours.

Unless I make eye contact and ask you to sit next to me and tell me about your ex-husband's dog-grooming tax issues, please don't.

Don't drink yourself silly in the airport and then sit in the exit row.  Remember when being the safety monitor in grade school was an honor and act accordingly.

Don't push your seat back as far as it can go and into my lap - I'm already married.

Don't put your sweater into the overhead bin, shut the bin door, and then get mad when a fellow passenger attempts to put a computer bag in the same bin.  Your sweater will survive, I promise.  

But -Mr. Business Man with the oh-so-important computer bag / carry-on luggage?  We ALL need to use the space underneath the seat -  so don't crush that violin case / wedding dress / military dress uniform that's been carefully placed on top of all the other luggage with your second bag.  Suck it up and put it under the seat.

Also, don't attempt to jam your oversized bag into the bin, slam the door on it 10 times, swear, give up, throw yourself into your seat angrily and leave it to the flight attendant to find a way to make it fit.    

Flight attendants - you chose this job.  Please don't take your frustration out on us, the paying customers.  Unless we're drunk/self-important/threatening stupid jerks.  Then, have at it.

And you, young strong businessboy guy - when you see grandma or grandpa struggling to get their bag into the overhead bin, give them a hand.  Pay it forward a bit.

Thank the attendants and the pilots.  Every time.  Like anesthesiologists, they have jobs that consist of long periods of routine punctuated by extreme MOMENTS OF PANIC - and we need to appreciate their cool under pressure.

Venting lecture over.  Peace out.